Valentine's Day.
Saint Valentine.
Patron saint of bee keepers...
epilepsy...
fainting... the plague...
and of course...
love.
Love, love, love, love love, love, love...
Maybe I should send her a valentine.
She'd never know.
I'll radish you.
It's funny and witty, Razor sharp.
She’ll love it.
I won't. I will. I won't. I will.
I have.
I've just sent a valentine to my best friend's wife!
Fuck!
Hiya.
Hello, Freddie.
Now try not to forget...
they' re not suppositories. You take them orally.
Okay Thank you.
Darling.
Get off, you...
I am the ball's official photographer.
Hey, you're looking good for a man in a skirt.
Thank you, sweetie.
Bloody hell.
- Sorry. No taxis. - Hello, darling.
Hi, Archie.
- So, shall we? - Yes.
See you in court.
You' re a genius.
Hey, don't go bolstering that bastard's ego.
So, did you like my valentine?
- Oh, yeah. very sexy. - Sexy?
Well, of course. It was from you.
It's delicious. Have you tried some?
Feed me.
Okay, close your eyes.
Radish?
Your valentine, silly.
Oh, sweetheart. I'm really sorry I forgot to post it.
Then who sent this?
I'll radish you? What a sad do.
It was really sweet.
So my baby sister's got a secret admirer.
With a thing about root vegetables.
Darling, you' re a beautiful woman,
and someone's got the hots for you.
Sam reckons it's one of my patients.
- Hey, you could have a wild affair. - You haven't seen my patients.
Anyway, you think you've got problems?
Yeah, But they' re all married.
Toby's single.
I never did understand your relationship with Toby.
By the way... I persuaded Henry to try some Viagra, plus half an ' E'.
- Felicity. That's very dangerous. - Certainly is.
I've been walking like John Wayne ever since.
You tried it out on Sam yet?
We' re fine.
Fine. Oh, dear God, it's worse than I thought
It's great. Really.
Very nice.
Alice, anyone that thinks that screwing is nice
is confusing sex with sewing.
Oh, yes.
I wouldn't kick him out of bed.
Oh, Nice plinth.
Would you like a sample?
- I'd like the whole package. - It's our new line.
' Anonymous. ' A hint of mystery with a dark
promise of forbidden excitement.
Just what you need, darling.
Bloody hell.
How long have you been at this?
It takes as long as it takes.
Yeah? But then what?
I just wanna see her sail again. After that... who knows.
Maybe I'll just sit on the deck, a glass of whisky in hand and...
watch the sun go down.
I don't know, mate. You' re a one off. You really are.
Your department, I believe.
A few more than I said, I'm afraid.
Looks like Dan's on a fruit and nut diet.
- Still need notes for Monday? - Mmm. Sorry.
Hey, quick drink before you starts?
Are you not going home to your beautiful wife?
She's out on the piss with her beautiful sister.
Oh, go on. What do you say?
Nah, I've got to get on with this, haven't I?
Mysterious, yet slightly naughty, for the femme fatale of today.
It's not me.
A single sniff turns tongue tied boys into fluent cunnilinguists.
- Oh, did Sam like your card? - Suppose so.
Bit weird, really.
He said it was sexy.
Sexy? A picture of Marge Simpson?
Oh, bugger.
- Maybe his other card was sexy. - What other card?
The one he's not telling you about, dummy
He's obviously got a secret admirer too.
Excuse me, your table's ready.
He would have told me when I showed him mine.
Darling, you' re forgetting, he's a man.
You' re a nurse, you should know They've got smaller brains than us.
So they can fit them into their penises.
I don't know why you sleep with so many men.
You obviously don't like them.
I like bits of them.
Not all married men are like your boyfriends know.
Of course they are.
- It's just a question of opportunity. - It's a question of trust.
If someone fancied Sam, he'd tell me straight away.
He would.
Okay. Prove it.
I got one with nothing on it. Must be from Henry. Silent type.
Come on. Ten quid says he doesn't tell you.
Hundred says he does.
Deal.
So, you liked it then?
Henry.
Oh, it was so sweet. I was just showing to Alice.
Ooh, still at attention!
Oh can't you see
You belong to me
No, no. No, please.
Please don't post it.
Mum always said you got me into trouble.
What?
Trying to remember the last time I saw you naked.
A little mystery never did any harm.
Hello, sexy.
Good morning. The headlines at eight o'clock.
Footballer Dan Harlow begins his refute allegations libel action today
Hey, You all right?
Fine.
- That will be Martin. - That will be Martin.
Yeah?
Hi, Martin.
Oh, look, your case is on the news.
of football's bright young players.
Dan Harlow is suing a major national newspaper for alleging
- That he had three in a bed - Yeah, listen, mate, I'll call you back.
sex romps with a married couple.
Harlow's wife, actress Miranda conspicuously Campbell,
is conspicuously absent today.
Bristol's up and coming libel lawyer,
Sam Holbrook, has taken the case...
but with the story backed by numerous photographs, observers here
are questioning the wisdom of bringing this case to court
in the first place.
Gotta run.
Bye, darling.
He even kept the lock of hair.
Good job Henry keeps that dog clean.
- Anyway, at least there's an upside. - What?
I'm a hundred quid richer.
Repeat after me ' Felicity was right'.
He just didn't wanna hurt my feelings.
It's not like he's gonna run off and have an affair or anything.
Sorry.
- I'll prove it. - How?
I don't know. I'll text him. Something raunchy. See if he responds.
- He'll know it's from your phone. - I'll buy a new one.
- And if he rings? - He won't ring.
I'll talk to him then.
And when he recognizes your voice?
I'll be all sexy.
Go on then, let's hear it.
And more to the point, what would you say?
You know Filthy things.
Alice. The nearest you get to filthy is gardening.
So what's it gonna be 'Come and play with my begonias'?
Hello, Sam.
This is Anonymous.
Would you like to prune my bush?
Actually, that's not bad.
Innocent yet knowing, with just a hint of slapper.
Every man's perfect woman.
Do you swap ends at half time?
Who are you playing for next, Danny? Queen's Park Rangers?
Arsenal, more like
Shut it, you. Dan ain't no pi I low biter, right?
You know these guys. Just a bit of fun, yeah?
Fun? Any more fun like that and we’ll lose the Yorkie contract.
Where the hell's Miranda? The jury needs to see her supporting you.
Filming, mate. It's what she does.
Aye, aye. Blonde eyebrows.
Blonde eyebrows, blonde kebab.
Me and my boyfriend Paul, we' re both bisexual.
Nothing to be ashamed of. Just get double the fun that way.
we get chatting to Dan in the bar...
and Paul asks him about being a gay icon.
Wonders if it goes any further than
So Dan says ' Why don't we go and find out?'
So Mr. Harlow invited you to his hotel?
That's a lie. Dan ain't no chutney badger!
Flic, what underwear have you got on?
Alice, maybe you should think this through.
Anonymous doesn't think.
She does.
Talk about stamina.
First me, then Paul... then the two of us together.
He couldn't get enough of it.
And who took the photographs?
Them? Well, me and Paul.
We like to keep a few souvenirs, you know?
Very valuable souvenirs
Hey, it weren't like that.
We had a lovely time.
In the morning, Dan started calling us all sorts of names...
so we thought stuff him.
If he's gonna be like that, then he deserves all he gets.
Thank you. No more questions, m' Lud.
Mr. Holbrook?
Sam.
No questions, m' Lud.
Haven't seen him for a while.
- Martin. - Martin.
- It might be important. - This is important.
Oh, hi, Martin. What's up, mate?
Yeah. No problem. I'll see you then.
You had your chance and you blew it.
Oh, hi.
Breakfast is served.
Unfortunately, I've gotta run.
Archie's asked us round for dinner tonight.
Tonight?
I'm sorry. Martin wants to go over some paperwork.
But you go, eh?
See you later.
Hello.
When you' re ready, mate.
Do I get a discount for these silences?
Mr. Sharpe.
As Dan Harlow's personal manager...
could you tell the Court your recollections of the evening of the
17th of June last year?
Yeah, well, you see, what with Miranda off working, I knew that
Dan would be on his tod...
so invited him round for a bit of nosebag.
You know, spag bol, can of lager, couple of games of snooker.
And then about half ten, he toodled off home.
- Are you sure about the time? - Yes.
See, Buffy was about to start, and I never miss it.
How far is your home from the hotel
where the alleged incident took place?
Hundred miles, give or take.
So for Mr. Harlow to have been there by eleven...?
He would have needed a time machine.
Sorry, just on my way to lunch. Anything?
Didn't text, didn't ring. I was right, you were wrong.
Perfect husband.
Darling, I've had dozens of those.
God! Oh my God!
Flic! It's ring!
Hi.
Bastard! What do I do?
I don't know, do I? It was your stupid idea in the first place.
- It was your idea. - huh, The phone wasn't my idea.
Maybe he's just ring to say that he's happily married.
There's one way to find out.
Hello.
- Hello. - No.
Hello?
Hello... Sam.
What am I wearing?
Cheeky sod!
I'm not taking my clothes off.
Nothing. I'm wearing nothing.
I'm completely, totally...
naked.
And I'm...
Late?
waiting...
for you.
Thinking about you.
Naked.
Feeling...
touching... myself.
My nipples are...
hard.
Well, you are very naughty.
Are you? Really?
I can feel you.
Close your eyes.
Don't stop. Don't stop... Good, good, good!
You all right, mate? Lunch?
This is fucking war!
Hang on, you obviously enjoyed it.
That's not the point.
I had phone sex with my husband.
He had phone sex with a complete stranger.
I want his testicles on a plate!
Then I think I might use the cheese grater on his knob!
Some men would pay good money for that.
And give him a chili powder enema.
That too.
Then I'll cut off his foreskin and feed it to the cat!
Oh, thank you, Alice. I only come here for the scenery.
Mr. Sharpe.
You' re President of the Railway Restoration Society, I believe?
Yeah, Childhood passion of mine, steam trains.
- Choo- choo. - So you probably remember this?
Oh, yeah, yeah, that's me.
That's when I was guest of honor. Your Honor.
There's a clock in the photograph. What time does it read?
Ten twenty.
What does that banner above your head say?
Railway Restoration Society Dinner,
June...
the 17th... 2004.
Putting your stupid heads together and deciding to lie under oath.
That's not only perjury, that's conspiracy to pervert
the course of fucking justice!
All right. Listen, he didn't do it.
Oh, yeah. Right, and you' re Mother Theresa.
I wasn't there.
Dan, are you holding something back?
You gotta help us out. We' re struggling here.
Tell him.
Okay.
- you know Miranda, right? - The invisible wife?
Sam, please.
Before the story broke she told me she was pregnant.
and now she's saying she doesn't want to raise a chi Id
with someone like me.
She means everything to me, mate.
He loves her.
He has even got 'Miranda 4 Ever' tattooed on his arse.
- Hip. - Arse.
- Clife. - That is your Arse.
Cliff, why don't you go and get us some coffee?
- Thank you. - Arse.
Go on, Danny.
Look, when all this crap came out,
she went ballistic.
I tried to say it wasn't me, but with all the pictures in the papers...
Oh, so that's why you went along with Cliff's story?
So, Dan, what were you doing that night?
Nothing. I was at home alone while Miranda was out filming.
what do men look for in a woman?
Delia Smith in the kitchen and Heidi Fleiss in the bedroom.
I think I'm a bit too Delia in the bedroom.
Boring.
why doesn't Sam call me and talk dirty?
Because I'm too ' Alice'?
Or maybe...
Maybe what?
Maybe he did know. Just playing along.
Do you really think so?
Yeah.
But two can play at that game, can't they?
' Shag Actually'? That's porn.
It's not porn, darling. It's erotica.
'My Best Friend's Spreading'?
No. I thought you meant sex kitten, not sex monster.
Hey. Maybe I could watch a couple of those movies with you?
I get off at six.
Who with, your right hand?
Oh, yeah.
'Butt Detective'?
That's you sorted for the next few nights.
Bollocks! I'm supposed to be at Archie's!
Bye.
Hello, Martin
Oh God, I've missed you.
Hello, love- rat.
It's all work and no play with Sam.
- Oooh. - Fuck up.
Careful, that's a hundred quid bottle of wine.
Pinched it from Sam's 'cellar'.
Here, let me.
One of the more useful things I learnt at college.
sorry.
- Sorry. - I'm sorry.
' A Cock On The Lips Now'?
I thought you liked romantic comedies.
It's research.
A new surgery the practice want me to run.
How to maintain a healthy sex life in monogamous relationships.
I hate to tell you this, but I don't think these reflect reality too much.
Don't forget I Stay Hard All Night.
' I Stay Hard All Night'. I told you they don't reflect reality.
Oh my God, that's Jenny Clough!
- Who? - Jenny Clough.
Had a thing about Sam at uni.
Christian fundamentalist.
Oh my God! Let's put it on, Let's watch it! Come on!
Oh, what's got into you tonight, hmm?
I think you know.
God... it was great, wasn't it?
The whole phone sex thing, hmm?
You had phone sex?
With another woman?
No.
Did I?
But I thought it was you.
Why would it be me?
Who else would it be?
I don't know. Maybe it was your wife.
Katy.
I think I would have recognized my own wife, hmm?
Besides, Alice could never be that...
What?
filthy.
Christ.
The blonde?
What?
Such a fantastic painting, Katya.
You can't make me jealous. I'm immune.
Wives get jealous not lovers.
Get down on your knees!
You can't get much more fundamental than that.
She was always going on about eternal punishment.
Hang on. Wasn't she a vegetarian?
Can blow jobs really get you off a speeding ticket?
Always worked for me.
Have you done that?
She's a contortionist.
So is he by the looks of things.
Can't you do that?
You' re funny. That's funny.
Coffee
Archie what turns you on?
I mean generally. What was it about Beth that really got you going?
That she'd have me?
Did she dominate you in the bedroom?
Did she dominate me? She dominated me all over the house.
I'm just trying to... find out what men look for in a woman.
A pulse?
Actually, there was one time... that Beth phoned me
in the middle of the day, and I was at work...
and she told me that she wasn't wearing any knickers.
And that evening we went out for dinner...
and you know, knowing that we both knew it.
And I was wearing a pair of very tight jeans.
And I couldn't walk.
You know what they say about the perfect woman?
A blind nymphomaniac heiress who lives above a pub.
With big tits, obviously.
What would I do without you?
Flic.
I think I've been going about this the wrong way.
Are you listening? Flic?
Darling, could we talk about this tomorrow?
Darling, I'm really swamped here.
please. Please, no.
You didn't even notice the outfit.
That thing Flic gave you?
I thought you said it was itchy?
Sam I'm afraid.
Come here, silly.
I'm just a bit snowed under Right now, yeah?
So what about that fancy pad you two bought? Where was it?
I'm getting rid of it.
Are you crazy? Must have loads of pulling power.
You would know if you'd ever bothered
to come round and have a look.
You've got to romance them.
Flowers. Take them for dinner.
Women like surprises.
Oh, shit, fuck, bollocks!
You all right, mate?
Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. No, I'm fine. I'm fine.
So, um... when was the last time you surprised Alice?
That's different. We' re married.
You know what they say about married women.
They' re always fantasying about other men.
And what's that supposed to mean?
Nothing. Doesn't mean anything. I'm just saying.
Hey...
You may have seen her first, but I asked her out. Remember?
- Hi. - Hi, darling.
Hi.
- Ooh. What have you done? - Oh, it's nothing. It's just a...
Inside.
Now.
Do you remember when we were students
and we went to that karaoke party?
We both got so drunk we ended up saying
we were gonna go to Japan and climb Mount Fuji.
Japan. We were going everywhere that night.
Yeah. Well, guess what?
I've been asked to go to Japan.
- Sorry. - It's okay.
It's a new law firm in Tokyo.
Partner.
We'd really miss you.
- No, No, No, No, no... - No, listen, I've been thinking.
He obviously knows Anonymous is me,
just doesn't want to break the spell.
secret meeting could be exciting.
Exciting?
I'm going to blind fold him.
Alice, I really don't think you've thought this through.
Flic, I have.
Why can't you be a bit more supportive?
Because I don't want to see you fuck up your marriage.
And, of course, fucking up marriages isn't something
you'd know anything about?
Yeah, well. At least none of my men are lying to me.
My rat! How romantic.
Hey. If I don't get hold of you soon I might have to do some DIY.
You' re like dog on heat.
What is it?
That woman again?
Yes.
She sent me a note.
Wants to meet tonight.
Give.
I threw it away.
Expensive perfume.
- Are you going? - Of course not.
What do you take me for?
A cheating love-rat.
Your cheating love-rat.
You' re so cute when you' re scared.
You know what I don't own you.
It's your life.
you want to go, you go.
I'm not going. Okay?
Hello.
Just tell me where.
I'll text you.
Alice! Come in.
Archie, I need a favor.
big favor.
Sure, whatever. Do you want a drink?
No.
You know that f lat you and Beth bought?
It's back on the market.
I know. It's just this friend of mine from... work...
she needs somewhere to meet this guy.
What, do you mean like an affair?
Kind of.
What's her name?
Anonym...
...bella.
Anonabella?
She's South African We just call her Bella.
Right.
Can she not use your place?
No, No.
Sam wouldn't approve.
Sam doesn't know?
Promise not to tell him.
What's to tell? It's not like I've ever met this 'Anonabella', is it?
No.
You'd have remembered her. She's very... sexy.
I've always thought so.
Are you sure you don't mind?
Are you sure?
Just work.
This is my last favor, I promise.
Alice, I don't want any more to do with it, okay?
It's shopping.
I'll get my coat.
Thanks, Flic. You' re great.
Are you sure you want to do this?
It's gonna work. I know it is.
Now, there's just one more thing.
Hi there.
Go on.
she wants a Brazilian.
Get on your knees.
Get down on your knees.
Bastard.